Deconditioning for Reflectors

Learning Human Design is all fun and games til someone says you have to "unlearn" the conditioning you've picked up throughout your life.

It can feel great discovering new and unique qualities that we're literally designed with but it's another thing entirely to live in alignment with all of it. And try as you might, you can't just layer all the new Reflector info on top of the version of yourself who found Human Design. It's like trying to pour more coffee into a mug that's already full to the rim. You've gotta pour some out to let the new stuff in.

Enter "deconditioning", or unlearning.

A central part of the Human Design system, deconditioning is easy to skip over because it requires awareness and the willingness to look your conditioning square in the eye…and then do something about it.

Let's start from the beginning.

What is Deconditioning & Why do Reflectors Need it?

Deconditioning is the process of identifying the parts of your life that have been overly influenced by others, and then taking steps to let go of the thoughts, beliefs, and behaviours that no longer serve you. It applies to every person, regardless of what Human Design type you are but Reflectors, as usual are unique here.

Since we live in society with other humans there's no way to escape conditioning. In fact, from a sociological standpoint it's really healthy to accept conditioning when we're growing up because it means we're learning how things are done in our community of influence. Your parents taught you how to wash dishes and clean the house based on their own preferences and way of doing things, and as a kid those teachings can seem like the ultimate truth in how to do those things.

It's an unconscious rulebook we carry around to navigate the world.

But guess what? Everyone has their own biases, preferences, beliefs, and systems that serve them in one way or another and most of us have never fully questioned (or ever questioned) if those are still helpful to us today. Here's an example from my life. Like many others, I was taught to eat everything on my plate growing up. It was how my parents made sure we were getting our proper nutrition as kids, and that makes good sense. However, I carried that belief with me well into my years as an adult until I recently asked myself if it was still useful to me. Turns out I sometimes put too much on my plate and then feel guilty for wasting it, so instead I overeat and feel lethargic. So no, it wasn't serving me anymore and I now tell myself that it's safe to leave food on my plate. I'll just wrap it up and stick it in the fridge.

Deconditioning doesn't have to be about earth-shattering revelations. It's mostly just having awareness of the stories we tell ourselves so we can understand where the belief came from and if it's helpful anymore.

As Reflectors, we've picked up a lot of conditioning along the way and honestly, most of it has to go to make room for the Reflector way of life. We are here to be open to new experiences and conditioning tends to keep things moving in an artificially consistent way.

Picture a house that's a bit of a fixer-upper. You wouldn't start bringing in beautiful furniture and finishings without first reinforcing the foundation and cleaning the place from top to bottom, would you? To make room for your best qualities and Reflector gifts to shine in your life, you'll need to let go of some stuff that you've picked up along the way.

Reflectors' Open Centres & Protective Aura

You'd think that with all your centres being open (undefined) that Reflectors would be more susceptible to conditioning but that's actually not true. Thanks to the Reflector aura, which is said to be "sampling and protective" we get to take bites of other auras without getting steamrolled by every bit of conditioning they've ever had.

It makes sense that the Reflector aura would come with its own shield of sorts. We need to have the ability to feel things out so we can reflect back but there's no need to fully take on another person's design to do that.

If you haven't read it already, check out the blog post on The Mysterious Reflector Aura for more information.

Our undefined centres experience new situations without judgement, whereas conditioning happens over longer periods of time.

Attachment to Experiences & Feelings

If there's one thing Reflectors should be mindful of when it comes to conditioning and deconditioning, it's our tendency to form attachments to how things make us feel, which then leads us to cling to the "thing" that created those feelings. For example, if your friend takes you to a concert and the energy was euphoric, don't be surprised if you become fixated on that friend or concerts to try to replicate those positive feelings.

It can be unsettling as a Reflector when each situation feels totally different than a past experience that was kind of the same. This is conditioning at its finest. We've been taught to be consistent, to think consistently, to show emotions in a consistent way, and on and on it goes. Except that's not the reality for Reflectors, is it?

Nope. So we attempt to replicate things that make us feel good and end up overly attached to beliefs and experiences we think will get us there.

This also applies to seeking acceptance from others. I've talked to many Reflectors who tell me they hung onto a conditioned belief or story because doing so brought acceptance by parents or other influential people in their lives. It's a little like being the teacher's pet. By following the rules that have been set out for you, you get noticed and probably praised for being "good". That attention is pretty enticing, even if the rules aren't helping you live in alignment.

How to Decondition

This is where the rubber meets the road. If you've pinpointed a behaviour or belief that doesn't serve you anymore, what do you do next?

I have a formula I teach my students that gets into the deep layers of conditioning, but for now here are 3 steps to kickstart the deconditioning process so you can let your Reflector gifts shine through:

1. Start noticing your stories: These might look like excuses, rationalizations, and other creative reasons why you "have to" do things a certain way. If you think you "must" wash dishes right after dinner instead of letting them sit while you relax with your family, that's a conditioned belief.
2. Ask a lot of questions: Where did you pick up the behaviour or belief? Who used to tell you that story? No need to make any judgments here, just see if you can point to it and say, "Ah, that's where it came from!".
3. Decide if you'll keep it or not: There are no rules saying you have to do things exactly the way you were taught to do them as a kid (or at any other stage of life, for that matter). It's your life, you get to choose.

Don't get me wrong, some of the conditioning I've bumped up against in my own life has taken a long time to dismantle, so I'm not suggesting it'll be an overnight process. But you've gotta start somewhere.

The more you're able to pay attention and see your conditioning through your Reflector glasses, the easier it will be to live in alignment with your design.