Feeling Lost & Confused As A Reflector

 **The video above is an interview I did recently, which explains some of the deep differences between Reflectors and other types. I thought it might be a helpful resource related to this blog post.

I'll be one of the speakers at this year's International Human Design Conference on September 8-10, and if you'd like to join us, you can click here for tickets. Use promo code HDLOVE100 to get $100 off the registration.** 

It seems like everywhere I turn these days there are Reflectors experiencing pain.

Pain from not having clear direction. Pain from being unable to be productive like others appear to be. Pain from knowing they're here for a purpose but not knowing how to get there.

I feel it too.

This sense of being lost in the world without a clear path forward can be so unsettling it leaves us paralyzed and unable to take even the smallest steps forward. I wish I could tell you there was a silver bullet to fix this feeling of lost-ness but I can't.

There's no fix because you are not broken.

We seek clarity and certainty because we think that a defined path will lead us to fulfilment and happiness. But how many people do you know who've followed all the right steps and are still unsatisfied with their lives? One person's formula for a life of purpose might be a recipe for disaster if you took those same steps. Why would you put all your happiness eggs in one overly-hyped up basket?

The lost feeling Reflectors experience isn't because we're actually lost or don't want to live our life's purpose. No, it's because we allow ourselves to cling to the expectations of the other 99%, thinking we too must conform to them.

 
The stories we tell ourselves shape the way we experience things, and we're really good at convincing ourselves that we must show up like everyone else…or else.

We fear judgement of being called lazy, and for some reason we've given others the power to assign this label. Worse still is that we believe it, even though it's far from true. Everyone has lazy days where you lounge on the couch and barely touch the dishes. That's probably exactly what you need in that moment, especially if you're constantly playing keep-up with the pace and expectations of society. I'm tired just thinking about it!

Consider this scenario. If you were left home alone for one week on vacation and no one was allowed to ask what you did during that time, how would you spend it? Maybe it's a silly question but once you strip away the need to explain to other people how you used your time, things start to feel a little lighter.

When I was little my parents always wanted to know what me and my siblings were up to. If they heard a cookie bag crinkling in the kitchen while they were watching TV, it wasn't long before Mom popped her head in and asked what we were doing. Kids get used to explaining themselves to grown ups, and for some of us that never goes away. I'm one of those people. Even when I'm out running errands, I am practicing what I'll say if someone happens to ask what I did today. But you know what? I don't demand that the people in my life explain their day to me and outline how productive they've been. So why oh why am I assuming that someone has the right to ask me?

During this imaginary one week home alone vacation I know what I would do. I'd read an Elin Hilderbrand novel, spend time in my garden, write some blog posts, hang out on FB chatting with other Reflectors, learn more about investing, hop on the Peloton, and get lots of sleep.

That probably doesn't look like the definition of a "good" vacation based on what social media and even our friends tell us. But it's my life, not theirs. Just like it's your life, no one else's.

Much of the confusion we Reflectors experience comes from us trying to fit ourselves into the box of expectations that the other types have. It might work for them but it does nothing but cause pain for us.

If we took the huge list of "rules" that society has about what someone should do with their day (ie. having tangible output to show how productive you are) and tore it up, let's think about what the new set of standards could look like if we lived by our Reflector design. The new normal might look something like this:

1. Listen to your body for clues about what you really need
2. Decisions must be given as much space as needed before an answer is provided
3. Use your energy wisely and do your best work when your energy allows
4. Explain to others what you need to thrive, and hold firm in protecting those things
5. If you feel unwell around certain people or environments, spend less time around them
6. Since people grow and change, it's ok for your likes/dislikes to evolve as well

What would happen if you stopped trying to put yourself in a box?

I understand there are times where you'll need to be productive by traditional standards, especially if you have a traditional type of job, which is a whole other conversation (check out this post about Reflector career confusion). But if you're spending time at home on the weekend or in the evenings and all you feel is restless because from the outside you appear "lazy" then something's gotta change.

Despite the temporary feelings and stories we have about what we should or shouldn't do in life, you are not lost. You're exactly where you need to be.

If you need support to work through feelings of confusion, reach out to me via email or share your thoughts in this short 5-question All About You survey so I can put together resources to help you as a Reflector.